Final Fantasy: Not-So-Mystic Quest
by Xiao Leonhart
Summary: In a Garden torn by the diabolical forces of boredom, an ancient enemy rears its ugly head. Our brave heroes must battle armies of Jenovas, inferior animation, falling pianos, Austin Powers references and a duck. *chapters 5-10 up: 25/6/02. finished*
1. chapter one: where have all the hot dogs...

**Final Fantasy: Not-So-Mystic **

**Quest**

By Xiao Leonhart 

Xiao: This fanfic is yet another FF7/FF8 crossover, but based around FF8 characters because, after all, Squall is one. This was also the first fanfic I ever wrote, before I'd actually played the game. Ah yes. You'll have to use your imagination in a certain part of the fic that relates to font. Evil writing was Chiller, and the font that replaced it was something with a lot of curls... all will become clear in time. 

Chapter One: Where Have All The Hot Dogs Gone? 

_Scene: The Cafeteria of Balamb Garden. The Disciplinary Committee are sitting around with nothing to do. Seifer Almasy is throwing his gunblade in the air, seeing how many times he can spin it around before catching it again._

Seifer: Ho hum…

Raijin: Ho hum, ya know?

Fujin: EXTREME BOREDOM.

Seifer: Why don't we go bust into someone's room and do a completely unwarranted search-and-seizure?

Fujin: AFFIRMATIVE. MORE SHUMI-ROCK, NEED.

_Seifer flips his gunblade one last time. It discharges, blowing a hole in the wall._

Seifer: Whoops…

Raijin: That was pretty cool ya know?

_Squall looks in to see what the noise was._

Squall: …?

Raijin: Don't ask, ya know.

_Squall raises his eyebrows, but before he can say anything an electronic chime sounds throughout the cafeteria._

Irritating Announcer: May I have your attention, please. May I have your attention, please. 

Fujin: STAND, REAL SLIM SHADY.

Irritating Announcer: Would the real hotdog thief please stand up, please stand up, please stand up? I am sorry to announce that the cafeteria's supply of hot dogs have been stolen from our high-security freezer vault. Hot dogs will be unavailable until further notice. However, the Garden Festival Committee has kindly volunteered to provide home-made spinach and tofu burgers.

Seifer: You mean…

Raijin: the only food at the cafeteria will be…

Fujin: TILMITT, COOKING?

Squall: NOOO!!!!

Fujin: RAGE! CAPITALS, MINE! 

_Fujin moves to kick Squall in the shin. Squall backs away._

Raijin: Hey, what's that?

_Fujin stops in mid-kick to listen. The echo of a wailing voice can be heard throughout Balamb Garden._

Eerie Voice: MY HOT DOGS! BELOVED HOT DOGS! GOOOOOOOOONE!!!!!!!

Raijin: Yo, Eerie Voice, stop stealing Fujin's typeface ya know?

_Selphie, Rinoa, Irvine and Quistis run at top speed into the cafeteria._

Squall: What's up?

Rinoa: *pant*… Zell… *gasp*

Quistis (who is considerably fitter than Rinoa): Zell's gone insane.

Irvine: It's been too long between hot dogs. Zell's become dependent on the chemicals they put in them- he's suffering withdrawal symptoms.

Raijin: Is he okay?

Irvine: See for yourself…

_Squall, Fujin, Raijin and Seifer follow Irvine to Zell's room, which is being guarded by a few Trepies._

Seifer: What are you guys doing more than 5 metres away from Quistis?

Nameless Trepie #1: *sigh*… Instructor Trepe **spoke** to me!

Nameless Trepie #2: *irritated* Spoke to us, you mean.

Nameless Trepie #3: She said that if we did a good job of guarding this door, she'd… she'd… *smiles blissfully* she'd ask us to help her again some time!

Fujin:…AMAZED.

Irvine: *all business* We need to see Zell.

_Nameless Trepies immediately become defensive._

Nameless Trepie #3: Instructor Trepe told us to guard this door…

Nameless Trepie #1: …and that's what we'll do. No-one gets past us.

Nameless Trepie #2: *defiantly* You'll have to kill us first!

Fujin: *draws shiruken* ENJOYABLE.

Irvine: *hastily* Can't we just knock on the door?

Nameless Trepie #1: *eyes Fujin warily* Well… okay.

_Squall walks up to the door and knocks sharply._

Squall: Zell? You in there?

Zell: MWEEDLEHEEHEEDLEHEEHEEDLE!

All: …?

Zell: I know you're out there, little hot dog! Come to Uncle Zell!

Fujin: SQUALL… HOT DOG?

Squall: *worriedly* Zell, it's me, man. Snap out of it.

Zell: So! They have sent a talking hot dog as their representative! Think that'll fool me, eh? I know better!

Irvine: *sadly* See what I mean?

Nameless Trepie #1: You'd better go. I don't want to go against the wishes of Instructor Trepe.

Seifer: If Trepe told you to throw yourself under a train, would you do it?

Nameless Trepie #3: Is that some kind of trick question?

Seifer: No.

Nameless Trepie #2: Of course we would! But she'd never do that. She's too kind, and compassionate, and intelligent, and…

_Everyone runs away before the Trepies drive them all nuts._

Fujin: "FUJIES", NEED.

_Back at the Cafeteria. Fujin is looking at Quistis with something like admiration._

Fujin: TREPIES, HOW?

Quistis (who is fluent in Fujinese): I don't know why they choose to hang around me, but- hey, having a team of personal slaves isn't all bad.

Selphie: But isn't that, like, abusing their dedication or whatever?

Quistis: *grins wickedly* Yes. But it suits me.

Raijin: Ouch…

Quistis: What?

Seifer: He got caught on that four-syllable word. "Dedication".

Raijin: Oww!

_Squall has been talking to Rinoa._

Squall:…and I'm really worried. I mean, Zell's usually a little crazy, but this…!

Rinoa: I wonder what happened to the hot dogs?

_Selphie and Raijin break into a spontaneous chorus of "Where Have All The Hotdogs Gone?"_

Selphie/Raijin: Where have all the hot dogs gooone? Loooong tiiime passing… Where have all the hot dogs gooone? Loooong tiiime agoooo…

Fujin: RAGE!!!

_Fujin delivers a powerful shin-shattering kick to both Selphie and Raijin, considerably harder in Selphie's case. Being somewhat lighter and less used to being beaten up than Raijin, Selphie flies across the cafeteria with a fading "Booyakaaaa…", continuing on through the hole Seifer blew in the wall._

Seifer: Good one!

Quistis: It's not a good day for the cafeteria.

Selphie: *groan*… hey… Booyaka! Like, soooo super-duper-mega-total-hyper-ultima cool, you guys! Check it out!

Everyone: ??????

Selphie: Come here!

_Everyone exchanges glances, then runs over to investigate the smoking hole in the wall. _

_Xiao: Wahaa... fanfiction is more entertaining than I thought._


	2. chapter two: the cliched portal that lea...

Chapter Two: The Clichéd Portal that Leads to FF7 Strikes Again! 

_Selphie is supporting herself against a strange computer-bank covered in glowing lights and control panels. A large whirling screen patterned with black and white swirls (think Austin Powers 2) is set up against the far wall._

Everyone: ????????????????????????

Seifer: What the hell is THAT?

Rinoa: I… think it's a kind of gateway. (_Rinoa twirls her earring and a visor like Sailor Mercury's comes over her eyes._) Yeah- this leads to… somewhere called "FF7".

Squall: What, you mean that place where people's hands all look like clubs and nobody has a mouth?

Rinoa: Yeah. *twirls her earring again and the visor disappears*

Selphie: You mean the place with VINCENT???!!!

Rinoa: Yeah…

Selphie: Booyaka! I'm there! _Selphie runs towards the portal. One leg sticks out to the side, then she spins around in circles and disappears._

Irvine: hey… *sniff* Selphie likes Vincent…

Fujin: VINCENT, COMMISERATE.

Quistis: Wanna go after her?

Squall: Do you think they have hot dogs there?

Irvine: Yeah… if we get a hot dog to Zell, he might snap out of it for a while.

Raijin: Let's go, ya know?

Fujin: AFFIRMATIVE. 

_Everyone runs up to the portal, stick their legs out to the side and spin around in circles until they disappear._

_The FF8 characters land in the middle of a crowd of people, all chanting and holding signs. Selphie is nowhere to be seen._

Quistis: These people are **so **badly animated!

Squall: Forget that… What the hell is going on?

_Everyone is carrying signs reading things like "S.O.S- Save Our Sporks" and "No Spork- No Work!" Squall taps someone on the shoulder._

Squall: What's all this for?

Clueless Protester: whaa… Hey! You have a MOUTH!

Squall: *sigh*… I repeat: why are you doing this?

Clueless Protester: *looks at Squall oddly* Where have you been? The Spork Shortage, of course!

Irvine: What the hell are sporks? And why are they so important?

Clueless Protester: You have a mouth TOO!

Irvine: Yeah…

Fujin: WHAT, SPORK?

Clueless Protester: Pardon? Hey… you ALL  have mouths!

Seifer: That's really starting to piss me off…

Quistis: Hey, there's Selphie.

Squall: Er… thanks for your help.

_The FF8 team make their way over to Selphie._

Selphie: …he's tall, he wears a red bandanna, he's got a metal claw and he's super-total-mega-cute!

Girl: Well…

Selphie: So? So? Do you know where he is? Huh? Huh? Huh?

Girl: I think I know who you're talking about…but he doesn't like visitors.

Selphie: *impatiently* You don't _understand_! I'm not a visitor! I'm like, his super-mega-meant-to-be girlfriend!

Squall: *cuts in* Sorry to trouble you, Miss. She must have been inhaling her hairspray again.

Girl: That's okay.

Rinoa: What's wrong here?

Girl: People need sporks to live.

Irvine: Why?

Girl: *shrugs helplessly* They're good weapons, they make a useful substitute for a hairbrush, and they're shiny.

Raijin: See your point, ya know?

Girl: Plus,  they're one of the few substances that don't dissolve in the AVALANCHE canteen's mystery meat.

Seifer: I know what you mean.

Rinoa: Are there any hot dogs here?

Girl: They're pretty hard to find… and everyone's caught up in the Spork Search anyway.

Squall: If we help you find your sporks, will you give us some hot dogs?

Girl: *shrugs* Sure. I'm Tifa. *stares at Rinoa* Hey! You have a MOUTH!

_Seifer half-draws gunblade but stops abruptly when kicked in the shin by Fujin._

_At the AVALANCHE base. Barret, Yuffie and Cid are sitting on the couch, watching MTV. Cloud is checking up something on a computer._

Barret: Yo Tifa! New recruits?

Cid: Ah, #$^@, just what we need. More @$#%!s taking up our space.

Seifer: Say that again. Slowly. Unless you'd prefer something else engraved on your tombstone…

Irvine: Seifer- grow up. We're never going to get anywhere by fighting among ourselves.

Seifer: Shut it, ya wussy cowboy.

Irvine: WUSSY?!?!?!?! _He punches Seifer and soon they are having a full-scale punch up. Everyone else ignores them._

Barret: Where y'all from? 

Selphie: We're from FF8!

Cloud: I see. More advanced technology. Hey! That must be why…

Quistis: YES!!! I HAVE A MOUTH!!! WHY IS THIS SO HARD FOR YOU PEOPLE TO ACCEPT?!?!?!.

Cloud: *puzzled*… why I haven't seen you before.

Quistis: *phew*

_Aeris and Vincent enter._

Aeris: We've got a location beacon from our Sporkater.

Cloud: Our what?

Barret: "Sporkater", foo'! As in Spork Locater. It locates da sporks. We gotta box of 'em an' put a trackin' device in one. Den, we see where dat spork thief goes, yeah?

Vincent: The sporks are headed out to North Corel… *trails off as Selphie, who has just noticed him, runs across the room towards him*

Selphie: VINCENT!!!! It's YOU!!!! You're just as cute as you are in the Doujinshi!!!

Vincent: ……

Selphie: *sigh* I love it when you say that… 

Vincent: ……!

Tifa: *whispers to Squall* Vincent's worried.

Squall: How can you tell? He looks fine to me.

Tifa: Didn't you hear the exclamation mark at the end of the last "…"?

Squall: *listens to the silence again* Oh, yeah.

Cloud: Cut it out!!!

_The room goes silent. Irvine and Seifer have stopped beating each other up and are lying on the floor. Rinoa tosses them a couple of Potions._

Squall: Isn't there a North Corel train?

Vincent: The movement of the Sporkater indicates that the sporks are probably on the train.

Cloud: Right. We'll get on and check it out. *looks around* Hey, where's Yuffie?

_Yuffie has crept up behind Fujin._

Yuffie: Gimme all your Materia!!!

Fujin: MATERIA?

Yuffie: Don't waste my time. If you don't have Materia, how do you do any good attacks?

Fujin: DEMONSTRATION. * kicks Yuffie in the shin*

Yuffie: WAAAAAA!!!!!

Fujin: RAGE! CAPITALS, MINE! IMBECILES! INCOMPREHENSION! *With every word, Fujin kicks Yuffie again*

Yuffie: WAA- that is, um, "waaaaaaa!"

Cloud: Cait Sith and Red are on guard duty. Cait Sith's gonna watch the place while we're gone.

Raijin: This is so cool ya know? Always wanted to go on a mission ya know? I feel really important ya know?

Cloud: Any one of you…

Fujin: RAIJIN, VOLUNTEER. GUARD.

Raijin: Awww, Fuj! Can't- *breaks off as Shiruken prods him in the back*

Fujin: YES?

Raijin: *weakly* -think of anything I'd rather do, ya know?

Fujin: GOOD. SETTLED.

Aeris: Collect your packs and equipment.

Cloud: Umm… Aeris- did you pack these?

Aeris: Yes.

Cloud: And there's no nasty surprises waiting in Tifa's pack this time?

Aeris: Would I do that?- Don't answer that. No, there's none.

_Fujin walks past Vincent to collect her pack._

Vincent: Why do you talk like that?

Fujin: EXPLAIN.

Vincent: It's just- unusual, that's all.

Cid: #@!$, look who's talking- ya $^#$&* dot-dot-dot boy!

Vincent: *pointedly ignoring Cid* So why do you talk like that?

Fujin: QUESTIONS, DISLIKE. RAGE!!! *Fujin goes to kick Vincent's shin but he dodges*

Fujin:…IMPRESSED… 

**End of Chapter Two**


	3. chapter three: it's a plot! a plot!

Chapter Three: It's a Plot!!! A Plot!!! 

_The FF7/8 team dismount their Chocobos at the top of a hill overlooking the train track._

Tifa: The train'll have to slow down as it takes _this _bend- then Squall, Vincent and Fujin trigger the rock fall _here_, causing the train to stop. We'll then sneak on aboard the train into the cargo hold, which is _here_, from the shelter of these trees.

Barret: Then there ain't no gettin' off dis train we're on…

Cid: Shut the $%!#@^* up, ya @!$#%&*(.

Barret: You shu'up, foo'! Dat's my best line in da whole game!

Selphie: *thinks* _Hmm…Vincent noticed Fujin because of that super-mega-ultima bummer speech impediment of hers…so…_

Selphie: GET ON, HOW?

_Everyone stares at Selphie._

Fujin: RAGE! *Kick*

Selphie: PAINFUL!!!

Irvine: Sorry, Selphie. You just don't have the right attitude. Stick to "Booyaka", okay?

Selphie: *sniff*

Cloud: Let's mosey!

FF8 characters: Huh?

Cloud: JUST GO!!!

FF8 characters: …why didn't you say so?

_At the bottom of the slope, Cloud, Tifa and everyone else are waiting for the train in a clump of trees._

Yuffie: *singing quietly, to the tune of "The World is Not Enough"* The materia is nooooot enough… even though it's really shiiiny…I'll steal it anywaaaay…so just give up and give it alllllll to meeeee…

Tifa: Shut up, will you? This is supposed to be an ambush!

Cloud: Ouch… dammit!

Tifa: What's up?

Cloud: My hair… it keeps getting caught on these branches!

_Cloud's hair is decorated with a variety of sticks, leaves and even a few bugs, and its characteristic spikiness is somewhat diminished._

Irvine: I wish that train would hurry the $%@! up!!!

Quistis: Now you sound like Cid.

Aeris: Wait… *listens* I think it's coming now…

Cid: Hurry up Cloud, ya pointy-headed $#%@~&*! Give the ^@$#&^* signal!

Rinoa: *sigh*… I wish Squall was here…

_On top of the rise. Squall is watching out for Cloud's signal, Fujin is keeping guard and Vincent is sharpening his claw on a rock._

Vincent: Anything yet?

Squall: Nothing… hang on… there it is! 

Vincent: What is the signal, actually?

Squall: Cloud just has to stand up. His hairdo stands out like… like you at a disco. Pretty good, ne?

Vincent: ……

Fujin: BEGIN?

Vincent: Fujin, trigger the rock fall.

Squall: Fujin Trigger… *winces* …

Fujin: INCOMPREHENSION.

Squall: You don't want to know. *pushes at the rock* Hey… it's stuck!

Vincent: Let me try… _Vincent, Squall and Fujin heave at the rock. Nothing happens. The train is coming into sight_.

Squall: #%@^!

Fujin: CID, SOUND LIKE.

Squall: *thinks for a few seconds* You know who you sound like? …Selphie!

Fujin: WHAT?!

Squall: Yeah… you really don't suit that cool capitals thing. Selphie's much better at it, don't you think, Vincent? Sorry, "Fuj", but you should stick to "Booyaka".

Fujin:…….. RAGE!!!!!!! 

_Fujin aims "Renzokicken" at Squall. He dodges and Fujin's foot lands squarely on the rock, which shudders._

Rock: rumblerumblerumblerumbleRUMBLERUMBLERUMBLECLATTERCLATTER!

Squall: "Impressed".

Vincent: The train's stopped already. We'd better move.

_Vincent, Squall and Fujin meet the others as they are quietly sneaking onto the train._

Vincent: Mission accomplished.

Barret: I didn' notice. Get movin', foo'!

Squall: *snicker* Cloud… what happened to your hair?

Cloud: *dirty look (to go with dirty hair)*

Squall: whatever… 

_Eventually, everyone is aboard the train. They are sitting in a luggage compartment behind stacks of boxes and bags. Cid and Yuffie and sorting through the bags, pocketing everything valuable._

Rinoa: We're not supposed to leave any _evidence_ that we were here!

Cid: $&*^! We're not leaving evidence, ya %@$#. We're taking it away.

Yuffie: Joy! Materia! Huh… "HP-MP Flip"?! Only a lousy… *inspects it* Oh well. It's shiny! *hugs Materia*

Cid: %&#$%@!$! *holds up black lacy underwear* Hey Quistis, try this one on for me!

Quistis: *sweatdrop*

Vincent: Cid- give it a rest. And for God's sake, put that down!

Cid: Shove it up your @$$, vampy-boy. 

Vincent: *walks towards Cid, flexing claw thoughtfully*

Cid: Heh… heh… did you think I was talking to you?… hehe… you can take a joke, can't you, Vinnie?…AARGGH!!! #*@!&#&%(@$!!!!!

Rinoa: *winces* *to Cloud* Aren't you going to tell him not to do that?

Cloud: *shrugs, not impaling himself on his hair as it is too floppy* He called Vincent "Vinnie". He brought it on himself.

Quistis: Thanks Vincent. I owe you one.

_Aeris looks at the suitcase Cid dropped._

Aeris: What the f… *breaks off quickly*

Tifa: This must be serious. Aeris came close to swearing!

Cloud: What's wrong Aeris?

_Cloud reads name label on suitcase, which says "Elena"._

Aeris: Elena's on the train?

Tifa: Elena's in on this spork business?

Cloud: Elena wears lacy underwear?

Tifa: *slaps Cloud across the face*

Irvine/Seifer: *look up quickly* Who's Elena? Is she hot?

Fujin: MEN.

Quistis: Yeah…

Cloud: *rubs face* We're gonna search the train.

Tifa: *firmly* I'm going with you Cloud. Just in case you run into _Elena_…

Aeris: *snicker*

Cloud: Okay. I'll go with Tifa, Vincent- once he's finished with Cid… any other volunteers?

Squall: I'm in.

Rinoa: I'm coming too, then!

Irvine: Yeah…

Fujin: AFFIRMATIVE.

_Vincent walks up, wiping off his claw._

Vincent: Let's go.

_The team moves quietly through the train._

Irvine: There's no-one here… Spooky.

Rinoa: *twirls earring, brings up Sailor Mercury visor* Yes there is. There's a big section down near the end. Quite a few people there. *twirls away visor*

Tifa: What's the Sporkater say?

Vincent: The box of sporks we left as bait is on the train. I don't know about the rest of them.

Tifa: Good place to start, then.

Cloud: So the Turks are here.

_Everyone looks at Vincent_

Vincent: …What?

Squall: This is kind of your area, isn't it?

Vincent: *coldly* I'm not a Turk any more. (He's so cute when he's angry… ^_^)

Fujin: FORGET IT. PLAN?

Irvine: Are they armed?

Rinoa: I can't tell!

Irvine: But don't you have… 

Rinoa: For God's sake this visor came from Sailor Moon! It's a piece of %^$@!

Squall: Hey… remember that other fanfic where I got stuck in a wall? Well, you could send me through the wall here- and I could listen to their evil plot!

Xiao: *thinks* NOOO! Rinoa's such a $#!+ty Sorceress she'd end up turning him into a frog. But then I'd have to kiss him… heh heh… *gets evil look on her face* GO RINOA!

Author of the Fanfic Next Door: Plagiarism!!! 

Xiao: Fine!! (see ~FloweR~) *sulks* Is that better?

Author of the Fanfic Next Door: I suppose so.

Squall: Damn…

Cloud: Hell, let's just do what we always do- bust through the door and beat the living crap out of them!

Vincent: *evil smile* Sounds like fun…

Tifa: Vincent, you're scaring me!

Vincent: *enjoying himself* MWAHAHAHA! I am the angel of death…

Tifa: *hides behind Cloud*

Cloud: *looks protective* Stop it Vincent. Let's move!

Geeky Squaresoft Guy: Excuse me, but you are currently in breach of your contract. According to this document, you are required to say "Let's mosey" at every available opportunity. Furthermore… 

Cloud: Shut the $%!# up! *Omnislashes the G.S.G.*

Geeky Squaresoft Guy: Aaargh!

Vincent: It's the little things in life you treasure.

_In the Turks compartment. The Turks music is sounding somewhat tinny through the low-quality train speakers. Rude and Reno are playing poker, Tseng is staring out the window and Elena is complaining to everybody in general._

Elena: You _men_ are all so chauvinistic. Every time I do anything wrong, "Don't act so weak, Elena." "Not now, Elena." "Shut up, Elena."

Tseng: Shut up, Elena.

Elena:…… 

Reno: SUCK!! I win again! 50 gil. Hand it over.

Rude: You're cheating!

Reno: No, I'm not!

Rude: Yes you are…

Reno: La-la-la, did I hear a little voice?

Rude: *infuriated* YES YOU ARE! YOU ARE! AND YOU CAN HEAR ME TOO! YOU CAN!

Reno: It must have been a bird. La-la-la…

Tseng: Shut up, Reno.

Rude: Exactly! Shut up, Reno!

Tseng: Shut up, Rude.

Rude: Exactly!… um…

Elena: *scornfully* You guys are like children.

Reno: I don't know why I'm acting like this! The confinement is making me crazy!

Rude: We'll be there soon. Maybe after we've delivered the sporks we can catch some of that famous Costa Del Sol sun!

Tseng: *sigh* It's so degrading. The world's finest agents acting as bodyguards to a box of sporks.

Elena: Why are we even doing this?

Reno: They're our orders. Turks follow orders. It's as simple as that.

_A thoughtful silence follows._

Cloud: Costa del Sol…

Vincent: The Turks are here to guard sporks?

Tifa: If we find the sporks, then clear out- the Turks will look silly, won't they? 

Cloud: *pleadingly* But I wanna bust in and make a dramatic entrance! Please? Can we do that? Please?!

Tifa:… ohhh! You know I can't resist you when you turn on the charm.

Cloud: Heh heh…  

Tifa: All right, you're the boss. Dramatic entrance it is.

Irvine/Fujin/Squall/Vincent: …… *in disbelief*

Cloud: I knew I could count on you! *gives her a hug*

Fujin: NAUSEA.

Vincent: You can say that again. 

**End of Chapter Three******


	4. chapter four: battles and villains and s...

Chapter Four: Battles and Villains and Sporks, Oh My 

Cloud: Cue the music Mr Soundman!

_Vincent fiddles with some recording equipment until Cloud's victory music comes on. Everyone draws their weapons._

Cloud: LET'S MOSEY!!!

Fujin:*mutters* RAGE! CAPITALS, MINE...  IMBECILE…RESEMBLES TOOTHBRUSH …RAGE!

_At a suitably dramatic moment in the music, Cloud breaks the door down with his shoulder and stands in the doorway with his Big-Ass Sword (the one they never told you about) pointed at Rude._

Rude:…What'd I do?

Rinoa: *menacingly* Hand over the sporks and no-one gets hurt!

Tseng: Yeah, like that one's gonna work on us! You're going down!

Reno: Take this, ya pointy-headed freak!

Elena: This one's for Shinra, ^&!#@%(!

Rude: Hey… she has a MOUTH!

Vincent: *loads Death Penalty* If you've quite finished…

_The other door of the compartment slides back slowly. For some reason, there is a bright light shining from it, so the figure is silhouetted in the doorway._

Cloud: Hey! That entrance was more dramatic than mine… *sniff*

Tseng: Right on time.

Mysterious Figure With Accent: You gotta problem?

Irvine: The sporks. Give them back.

Mysterious Figure With Accent: *laughs* You must be joking. Get outta here before someone gets hurt.

Cloud: Yeah… Someone like you! 

_Fight music cues up. Cloud charges with his Big-Ass sword and soon everyone is doing some serious @$$-kicking. Needless to say, the good guys win, but the Turks put up a good fight, particularly Mysterious Person With Accent. Everyone does their stupid end-of-fight move._

Tifa: Hey! I didn't find any items! Neither did I get any EXP or AP! What's this world coming to?!

Irvine: *looking under seats* I found a pack of cards… and some used chewing gum…eeew…

_M.P.W.A stirs. Cloud points the Big-Ass Sword at her head._

Mysterious Person With Accent: uh…Not bad, hedgehog boy.

Cloud: *kicks her* NOBODY DISSES THE HAIR! GOT THAT?

Squall: Who are you, anyway?

Mysterious Person With Accent: I'm a Turk.

All: ???

Mysterious Person With Accent: My name is Rakin. That's the only information I'm giving you.

Xiao: Rakin is one of my characters. Her name is pronounced "ra-_keen_".

Tifa: *threateningly* Give us back the sporks!

Rakin: No.

Tifa: What do you want with them?

Rakin: Why should I tell you, $^#@?

Cloud: *kicks her again, harder*

_By this time the rest of the Turks are awake and being closely guarded by the FF8 team._

Reno: We have a job to do- and you won't stop us from doing it!

Vincent: Tell us why you want the sporks, or I will personally make life very difficult for all of you.

Tseng: *eyes Fujin's shiruken, which is about five centimetres from his throat, looks back at Vincent* Didn't you die?

Vincent: The sporks!

Elena: *smiles* We're just following orders. We can't help you.

Irvine: Don't you get it? Because you're keeping the sporks from us, FF7 world is falling apart. People can't eat. People can't keep their hair tidy- look at Cloud, for example. Thousands of people are suffering from SDD (Shininess Deficit Disorder). Fanfics like "Makoto" have no meaning any more.

Vincent: *quietly, to Irvine* No good. They have no social conscience. *to Turks* Did he mention there's a huge reward out for whoever finds the sporks? 

Rude: … No…

Vincent: Not to mention that we bought some… information… off Reeve- does the phrase "I dare you to get Shinra drunk and break into his strongroom" ring a bell, Reno?

Reno: @^#&…

Elena: Reeve! That double-crossing… hey, there weren't any photos in that packet, were they?

Vincent: Maybe…

Tseng: *hastily* Okay, we're in.

Rude: *admiringly* Damn, you're good… I can tell you used to be one of us.

Rakin: Have you no honour? (Quote.) You're breaking the oldest tradition of the Turks!

Elena: *to Irvine* You can tell she's new, can't you? *patiently* Rakin, the oldest tradition of the Turks is passing out in a bar at 3am…

Rakin: ……Don't disillusion me! I haven't had breakfast yet! (Another quote.)

Tseng: *to Fujin* If you'll just point that thing somewhere else, I think we can get down to business. 

Rinoa: Right. Why are you going to Costa del Sol?

Tseng: Since you guys trashed Shinra Inc, we've set up an office in a more pleasant location- not far from your villa, I believe, Mr Strife.

Rude: Not far from the Tropicana Bar either… heh… 

Reno: We picked up this box of sporks and are set to deliver them to Shinra. Don't ask me what they want them for.

Squall: Did you guys steal the rest of the sporks? 

Rude: I will tell you nothing more!

Squall: Okay… that's a "yes".

Tifa: According to the Sporkater, we're almost at Costa del Sol.

Tseng: Right. Pleasure doing business with you. 

Reno: *looks at watch* It's time. *starts to walk away*

Cloud: Not so fast! How are we going to get the reward to you if you don't stick around?

Elena: I'll give you my number. Bye!

Reno: We're not working against Shinra any more. We do have some principles.

Vincent: … and then there's this _lovely_ shot of Reno and Scarlet…

Reno: $^#@%@!*&(#… I was drunk damn you!

Irvine: *eagerly* You can give _me _your number, Elena!

_Sunny Costa del Sol. The "good guys" and the Turks are at the Tropicana Inn, planning their next move. Some idiot wasted a Phoenix Down on Cid, who is hiding behind a couch. Tifa is telling Quistis how Vincent got the Turks to join them._

Tifa:… then Vincent says, "and then there's this _lovely_ shot of Reno and Scarlet…"

Quistis: *laughs* Brilliant! Hey Vincent, where did you get that dirt on the Turks? Did Reeve really give you those photos?

Vincent: What photos?

Quistis/Tifa: …?

Vincent: Don't tell me I had _you_ fooled too.

Tifa: You were bluffing?!

Vincent: *offhandedly* Of course.

Selphie: WOW!!! He's ultima-amazing!

Tifa:…Selphie?

Selphie: He's soooo super-ultra-mega-hyper-cool! *shouts* Hey, Reno! Guess what Vincent did?

Tifa/Quistis: *sweat drops*

Quistis: Selphie! Shut UP! *pulls Selphie down by the flicked-up bit on her hair and whispers in her ear* Selphie, you can't tell the Turks about that! If they know there's no photos for them to worry about, they'll just leave! And we can only beat them up so many times… understand?

Selphie: So I don't tell Reno.

Quistis: *exasperated* No, Selphie.

Selphie: I understand completely.

Quistis: Good.

Selphie: Hey, Elena! Guess what Vincent did?

Quistis: WHY ARE YOU SO %^@#ING DENSE? **BLUE MAGIC!!!**

_Selphie slumps to the floor._

Quistis: That felt good…

**End of Chapter Four**


	5. chapter five: all is not as it seems

**Chapter Five: All Is Not As It Seems! **

_Over at the table where everyone is planning- supposedly. In fact, Reno and Rude have involved Tseng, Seifer, Squall, Rinoa, Barret and even Aeris in their poker game, while Rakin is polishing her gun (she stole the cleaning kit from Yuffie, who stole it from Vincent while he wasn't looking). Irvine is hitting on Elena and Yuffie is playing with her stolen Materia. Fujin has long since given up on trying to get anything done and is staring out the window, bored._

Seifer: This sucks.

Fujin: POKER?

Seifer: That sucked too. I kept losing.

Fujin: TURKS, OPINION?

Seifer: Don't trust 'em.

Fujin: AFFIRMATIVE.

*silence*

Seifer: Got any shumi-rock left?

Fujin: NEGATIVE.

Seifer: This sucks.

Fujin: AFFIRMATIVE. 

_(More silence. Seifer and Fujin survey the scene in front of them. Yuffie is playing airplanes with her materia, making engine noises and flying them around the table. Elena is wearing Irvine's hat and is laughing at one of his bad jokes. Tifa joins the poker game, so Barret suggests they play strip poker and is Omnislashed by Cloud. Quistis has revived Selphie and is beating her up again. Vincent is absently sharpening his claw on the wooden arm of the couch, which Cid is still hiding behind.)_

Seifer: We gotta get out of here.

Fujin: SUGGESTION, GOOD.

_Squall leaves the poker game._

Squall: I don't know how they can play that for so long. It's even more boring than Triple Triad.

Fujin: LEAVING.

Squall: Good idea.

Squall, Seifer and Fujin get up. Quistis notices them go.

Quistis: *drops Selphie* Hey, where are you going?

Fujin: OUT. AWAY.

Quistis: Can I come?

Squall: *shrugs* Whatever …

_The four walk around for a while until a right red door marked "Restricted Access. Authorised Personnel Only. Absolutely No Public Entry Beyond This Point" catches their attention. Naturally, they try to open it. Naturally, it is locked._

_Naturally, Seifer, Squall and Quistis try to blast/slash/charge it _down.

Seifer: What's wrong with this door? Break damn you!

_While they are recovering, Fujin takes out her shiruken and unscrews the hinges._

Fujin: FINISHED?

Seifer/Quistis/Squall: ……

_Inside the room, they find another portal the same as the one they came through._

Fujin: THIS TIME, WHERE? CHRONO TRIGGER? FF6?

Seifer: *thinks* Terra… Celes… 

Quistis: *ominously* Pokémon? 

Fujin: GOD FORBID…

Squall: I think it's more likely that it leads back to FF8.

Quistis: We should check up on Zell- and give my fan club their daily fix. One time when I went on vacation they went insane and had to be hospitalised. Very ugly.

Seifer: Sure beats hanging around here… Let's go.

_Back in FF8 world, the four of them head straight for Zell's room. The Trepies are still outside the door._

Nameless Trepie #2: IT'S INSTRUCTOR TREPE!

Quistis: You did a great job. Please let me through.

Nameless Trepie #1: She even said "please"… *sigh*

_Quistis knocks on the door._

Zell: MWEEDLEHEEHEEDLEHEEHEEDLE!

Quistis: Zell!

Zell: I know you're out there, little hot dog! Come to Uncle Zell!

Squall: Hang on a second…

Zell: So! They have sent a talking hot dog as their representative! Think that'll fool me, eh? I know better!

Quistis: Was he this bad last time?

Squall: Knock again.

Quistis: Okay… *knocks*

Zell: MWEEDLEHEEHEEDLEHEEHEEDLE!

Squall: Keep quiet.

*brief silence* 

Zell: I know you're out there, little hot dog! Come to Uncle Zell!

*brief silence*

Zell: So! They have sent a talking hot dog as their representative! Think that'll fool me, eh? I know better!

Quistis: *breaks door down*

_Zell's room is completely empty. On closer inspection, Fujin discovers a tape recorder stuck to the door._

Quistis: Why would he do this? 

Squall: Your guess is as good as mine.

Seifer: Hey… *indicates open cupboard*

_Inside is another portal._

Quistis: Another one? Where's it lead? *looks at Seifer*

Seifer: …What? How should I know? Do I look like %^!@ing Sailor Mercury?

Fujin: NO COMMENT.

Seifer: *mutters something* 

Squall: Only one way to find out. *Squall jumps into the portal*

Quistis: I'm going after him. Anyone else?

Seifer: There's no way I'm going to let leather-boy think I chickened out! 

_Seifer runs at the portal, but slams into it instead of going through it and collapses, rolling back down the stairs. Inexplicably a grand piano falls off a high shelf above him and_ _smashes on his head._

Seifer: *passes out*

Xiao: MWAHAHAHA!!! That's what you get for calling Squall a leather-boy! SUFFER! *psychotic cackle*

Quistis/Fujin: …?

_Eventually, they revive Seifer and follow Squall. From the style of the graphics it is immediately obvious that they are back in FF7 world! Instead of dropping out of the sky like last time, the three arrive through another portal identical to the others and find themselves in a dingy office._

Quistis: Where are we?

Squall: I don't know… but why does Zell have his own private portal into FF7 world? And why did he trick us into believing he was still in his room?

Quistis: I don't know…

Fujin: CLOUD, NOTIFY? IDENTIFY CURRENT LOCATION, CAN. BACKUP. 

Seifer: We don't need that blond Jenova-freak's help.

Nix: YOU INSULTED CLOUD! *whips out spork* DIE! *is restrained and sedated by Balamb staff, gives up with a muffle*

Quistis: Cloud was talking about WEAPONs… what if they show up?

Squall: I think they've all been destroyed. But it's a good idea. If they're going to give us the hot dogs, we should stick to our end of the deal too.

Seifer: *sarcastically* Aren't you supposed to be a mercenary? What kind of thinking is that? You're dishonouring Garden! Blah blah blah… 

Squall: …whatever.

_They go through portal to Zell's room, then back to Costa del Sol._

Squall: *bursts dramatically back into inn* Cloud. Listen up.

Cloud: (why does everyone else keep doing dramatic entrances mine mine mine)What?

Squall: Zell's gone and there's a portal in his room that leads to FF7.

Cloud: What the…

Squall: *pulls Cloud out of his seat by his hair* Let's go! *looks at Cloud, whose hair is perfectly spiked again* Hang on… your hair! You fixed it?

Cloud: Yeah, yeah. *turns to everyone* Something weird's going on. We're going back to FF7 world.

Yuffie: Heh… there's Materia there! *hic*… so many little shiny shiny shinies…mine!

Fujin/Seifer/Squall/Quistis: ???

Selphie: Yuffie's been rather…overenthusiastic…with her Materia Martinis.

Yuffie: *hic* It's 'cos you getta… you getta li'l shiny thingy innit… 

Cid: *in muffled voice from behind couch* Is that %^!@ing Dracula-boy gone yet?

Vincent: ……

Cid: *still muffled* I'd recognise that %@!$ing silence anywhere… 

**End of Chapter Five**


	6. chapter six: how to get into deep $#!+ i...

Chapter Six: How To Get Into Deep $#!+ In Six Easy Steps 

_Everyone travels back to FF8 world, through the portal in Zell's bedroom and arrives _

_back in the Mysterious Office. Elena almost loses Irvine's hat (which she is still wearing) during the spinning around stage._

Reno: I know this place!

Quistis: You do?

Rakin: Yeah. The new Shinra building.

Irvine: So this is Shinra…

Fujin: SHINRA?

Tifa: Yeah.

_Fujin looks thoughtfully at one of the walls, which has a plaque bearing the Shinra logo, then walks up to it and gives it a huge kick._

Yuffie: I geddit!…*hic* She kicks people inna… inna shin, and this's Shinra! Geddit? Shin ra! Hahahahahahaha!!!! *laughs hysterically*

All: ……

Barret: Shut up, foo'! We don't know who be listening right now! We gotta find dem sporks, yo!

Rinoa: Exactly. Tseng, where are the sporks?

Tseng: We don't know exactly where they're keeping them, but they're probably in the strongroom.

Aeris: Heavily guarded?

Rakin: Yeah… but nothing we can't handle.

Tifa: Then we go in, get the sporks and get out.

Vincent: …… *shadow falls mysteriously across his face, perfectly offsetting the light that gleams off Death Penalty*

Selphie: How does he do that? He's like, just too super-mega-total-hyper-cool! 

Yuffie: Let's go! *sways drunkenly* I'm the gardening angel of death! Th' time of maternal judgement is at foot!

Tifa: …I'll keep an eye on her.

_Led by the Turks, all the FF characters move quietly through the corridors of Shinra. Rakin, who is scouting ahead, suddenly runs back towards them._

Rakin: Some people coming this way.

Reno: ^&!#… *looks around* Through here! *indicates another door, which everyone rushes through, bumping into each other*

Selphie: So THIS is why you normally can't travel in a group of more than 4.

_Everyone is in an office similar to the first one._

Squall: This is too risky. We need a better plan.

Tifa: *looks up at Cloud with big sad eyes* Can't _you_ think of something, Cloud? I'm sure you could…

Cloud: Heh… *sweatdrop, scratches head*

Rakin: Coming closer! They could be headed in here…

Seifer: What about you, leath-er… *looks up nervously, where a heavy looking box is wobbling ominously on a high shelf* …leader-boy? (okay, back to usual sneering self) Got any brilliant ideas?

_Footsteps are even closer._

Rinoa: *gulp*

Reno: That's it! Let us do the talking! And try not to screw it up, okay? 

Tseng: Vincent… could you put the gun away?

_Vincent gives Tseng a Look (with those burning red eyes of his)._

Tseng: O-kay… heh… do what you like.

_The Turks quickly outline their brilliant plan- just in time, as it turns out, as the door opens. Enter Scarlet (wearing skin-tight red plastic outfit), Palmer(munching a Mr Lardy candy bar), Reeve and some other guy nobody knows._

Reeve: What're you guys doing in here?

Reno: *casually* Just briefing our new unit, sir.

Selphie: (who wasn't listening to Reno when he told them the plan) WHAT? New UNIT?

Rude: Sorry, Britney. I guess they're not exactly new anymore after they helped with our spork heist- which, by the way, went perfectly to schedule.

Scarlet: Hi Reno… *flutters eyelashes*

Reno: *looks sick* Er… hi Scarlet.

Some Other Guy: *checks the good guys over- he smiles at Tifa, Aeris, Rinoa, Quistis and Yuffie (hesitantly) and looks hurriedly away from Selphie and Fujin* Hmm… bit of a rag-tag bunch, wouldn't you say?

Elena: *smoothly* Appearances can be deceiving, Mr… er, sir. They're well on they're way to being our best team yet.

The Other Guy: *smiles at Elena too* I like your hat…

Elena: ……

Reeve: *looks at Cloud, snickers* What happened to you- d'ya lose a fight with a power point? *stares* You look pretty familiar…wait, don't tell me, your name's Mist or Fog or something…

Tseng: *hurriedly* Um, yeah, he used to be the janitor.

Palmer: Yeah, using his head as the mop! *munches Mr Lardy bar*

Cloud: *&*@!mutter mutter %^!@ muffle %*!# lard @$$ mutter muffle*

Reeve: Be that as it may, we've found you just in time. Shinra wants to see you.

Reno: Anything wrong?

The Other Guy: Oh no, he just wants a report. Come on, then.

Tseng: *under his breath, so only Reeve can hear* And then I'll be wanting a report from you, you doublecrossing #%$^… about your willingness to sell certain information…

Reeve: …?

The Other Guy: (clueless as to what is going on) Hey, let's go!

_In Rufus' office. Yes, I know he died, what are Phoenix Downs for?_

Rufus: *flicks hair impatiently* Took you long enough. *blinks* Who are these people?

Rakin: Our… Strike Force, sir. You signed the necessary paperwork a few weeks ago.

Rufus: I did? Oh…of course I did. 

_Rude goes on to introduce Cloud as Whispering Wind, Squall as Striding Cloud, Vincent as Frost, Rinoa as Charity, Seifer as "Bob", Quistis as Qantas, Fujin as Frederica, Cid as Cedric, Yuffie as Ysabella, Irvine as Texas Pete, Selphie as Britney, Tifa as Tiffany, Aeris as Alanis, and Barret as Hamish._

Reeve: A Turk named Britney?

Rufus: Umm…I trust the sporks were picked up according to plan?

Rude: *winded from the various surreptitious kicks and punches he has received, gasps* Yes, sir.

Rufus: Well, we've got more to pick up tomorrow. And, of course, your special assignment…

_Turks all nod knowingly._

Rufus: As long as that's all in order. I expect all of you in here at 10am tomorrow for your final orders. Dismissed!

_That night, in the Turk's quarters. Rude has been beaten up by everyone for the dodgy names he gave them (Fujin, Cid and Barret used up three Phoenix Downs each) and is hiding in his room. Everyone else is mucking around, except the rest of the Turks who have sent for Reeve._

Reeve comes in warily.

Tseng: Well, what do you know. He showed up.

Reeve: Sorry, but what the hell is wrong with you guys?

Reno: Let's just say we got word of your… business dealings.

Reeve: …?

Elena: Don't play dumb with me. We found out that you sold that dirt on us.

Reeve: I think there's been a misunderstanding…

Rakin: You'll make things a lot easier for yourself if you admit it now. If you don't… well, we don't have _that _many Phoenix Downs left… *twirls gun around her finger*

Reeve: *slightly panicky* I never did anything of the sort. Someone's been taking you for a ride.

*silence*

Reno: *quietly* Valentine…

**End of Chapter Six**


	7. chapter seven: how to get into deeper $#...

Chapter Seven: How To Get Into Deeper $#!+ In Six Easy Steps__

_The next day, early in the morning. The main room. Tifa, a.k.a Tiffany, is making breakfast. A few people are sitting around the table, eagerly awaiting Tifa's famous omelette. Irvine enters._

Irvine: Hey, all…

Barret: I CAN' BELIEVE DAT FOO' CALLED ME **HAMISH!**

Cid *smoking cigarette, drinking tea*: I CAN'T BELIEVE THAT %#@^*!#@~$ CALLED ME **CEDRIC!**

Fujin:** FREDERICA?! ****RAGE!**

Yuffie: *drinking another Materia Martini* Ninety-five shiny materia on the wall, ninety-five shiny materia… Look the other way for a second, there'll be no more shiny materia on the wall…

Irvine: All rightie then… *looks at Quistis, whose hair is sticking up all over the place* You all right?

Quistis:…muffle… *head crashes onto table top*

Rinoa: She's not a morning person.

Quistis: …coffee…

Rinoa: Sure… *get up, leaves*

Irvine: I feel the same way… I don't know how Elena does it. It should be illegal to look that good this early in the morning.

Quistis: *raises head*

Squall: *raises eyebrow* And you'd know…because…?

Yuffie: *raises glass* Here's to Irvine! *hic*

Irvine: Umm… *goes really red*

Squall: …whatever. *grins*

_The main door opens. That Guy Nobody Knows walks in._

Guy: *to Squall* There's a problem. Is Frost here?

Squall: I don't think he's up yet. Why?

Guy: Shinra wants to see him. 

Squall: ……

Yuffie: Who's Frost?

Guy: *looks at her strangely* The guy with the cape… and the claw.

Yuffie: Oh, you mean Vmmphmmph…

Quistis: *whose hand has mysteriously found its way to Yuffie's mouth* Heh… 

_At the worst possible moment, Vincent walks out of his room, looking immaculate as usual._

Guy: Mr Frost. President Shinra wants to see you. It's a matter of some importance.

Vincent: ……

Guy: That's what the other guy said. *shrugs*

Vincent: *looks at Irvine speculatively for a moment*

Guy: I haven't got all day. Let's go!

Vincent: If Shinra's got something to say to me, he can say it to my second-in-command too. *indicates Irvine* 

Irvine: ??

_In Shinra's office again._

Rufus: *flicks hair* Mr Frost. And Mr… Pete.

_Turks enter._

Rufus: I've received some rather interesting news, Mr Frost.

Vincent: ……

Rufus: According to Elena, you have prior experience in… this area. Tseng himself recommended you to me, in fact.

Vincent: …I appreciate it.

Rufus: *flicks hair again* I'll see your whole unit here at 10am sharp, but first there's someone I'd like you to meet.

_The door opens again. In walks none other than… **Zell!**_

Irvine: *hides behind Vincent's cape*

Rufus: Mr Dincht is financing our spork retrieval operation in return for a payment of… well, of hot dogs. Steps have already been taken to ensure that all obtainable hot dogs were made available solely for Mr Dincht's… use.

Zell: Mweedleheeheedleheeheedle! *munches another hot dog*

Vincent: All obtainable hot dogs?

Rufus: Mr Dincht discovered a portal which gave us full access to a place where hot dogs could be found in plentiful supply. In return for the successful recovery of the hot dogs,  Mr Dincht gave us sufficient funds to commence both Operation Spork and Operation Shiny. I'm sure Reno's filled you in on the details of both these action plans. I'll see your unit here at ten, Mr Frost. Dismissed, all of you.

_Turks, Vincent and Irvine leave._

Vincent: So… have you found out where the sporks are?

Rakin: Give it up. We had a little chat with Reeve last night. It seems he hasn't been selling us out after all.

Vincent: *looks at Rakin, seemingly curious* It seems like you'd make more of a profit by "discovering" us as your enemies than keeping this up. Why didn't you?

Irvine :*quietly* Oh, that's right, give them ideas… @$^&*!#… (Vincent doesn't hear this, fortunately for Irvine)

Rude: *shrugs* It's fun tricking Shinra.

Vincent: That's the only reason why you didn't blow our cover- because you wanted to keep a secret?

Elena: *serenely* No. It's not. 

_Elena takes Irvine's hat off his head, smiles and puts it on._

Irvine: *smiles back*

_Back in the main room._

Squall: We know about Operation Spork- but what's Operation Shiny?

Vincent: We couldn't find that out, but Shinra wants us all to report in at ten. He'll probably mention it then.

Rinoa: So let me get this straight- _Zell _hired the _Turks_ to steal the hot dogs?

Irvine: That's what it looks like.

Seifer: So who hired the Turks to steal the sporks?

Cid: *loudly* I guess only that %^!@$%# Shinra knows that.

Barret: Shut up, foo'! *indicates That Guy who is still there, chatting up Quistis*

Selphie: Who is That Guy, anyway?

Fujin: IF INTERESTED- ASK.

Selphie: What a brilliant idea! Thanks Fuj! *hugs Fujin*

Fujin: RAGE! *Kick*

Cloud: *walks out of the bathroom, hair spiked to perfection*

Yuffie: *to the tune of "Banana Boat"* Banana-Hair! (doo doo doo-doo-doo) Banana-Hair! (doo doo-doo doo!)

Tifa: STOP DISSING CLOUD'S HAIR YOU &^!#$! *flies at Yuffie, nails bared*

Cloud: ……?

Selphie: Grrrr… That's Vincent's line!

Barret: *holding a struggling Tifa at arms' length* Don't we gotta go?

Tifa: *#%^!^&*(#$%!#&^!$@*#(&!!!!!!!!!

Cid: Hey! I've got *#%$ing patent pending on that word!

Cloud: Tifa… I appreciate you standing up for me, but that's not really necessary…

Yuffie: Heh! Bring it on, silicon princess!

Cloud: WHY YOU LITTLE… *runs at Yuffie, swinging sword*

Aeris: *trying to hold Cloud back* Yes, I think we should go now.

_Yuffie throws shiruken at Tifa, but since she's drunk she misses and hits Seifer._

Fujin: OUR LEADER… NEEEGGAATTIIVVE!! (i.e., as opposed to NOOOO!!!!) *draws her own shiruken*

Reno: Excuse me… but… WHAT THE $%!# IS GOING ON HERE?!

Rinoa: Umm… training?

_Once everyone has been Cured, Phoenix Downed or (in Yuffie's case) sedated, they all meet in Shinra's office (again.)_

Rufus: *flick* Ah. Turks, Strike Force, our Head Of Weapons wishes to speak with you. 

_Scarlet comes in, wearing a really tight red plastic dress and stilettos._

Scarlet: As I'm sure you all know, Operation Shiny has been running for quite some time, but did not get fully underway until Mr Dincht gave us enough funding to kick-start the project. *glances at Reno and winks* I'm pleased to announce that we finished the last stages of Operation Shiny last night!

_Everyone claps politely except Reno, who is unsuccessfully trying to hide behind Rakin._

Rufus: Perhaps you'd like to explain Operation Shiny to the Strike Force, Scarlet?

Scarlet: Sure. _Scarlet puts her hand on her hip. Without warning, the heel of one of her stilettos extends until it is about a metre long and tipped with a sharp blade._

Scarlet: *standing on one leg and wobbling* Kyahahahah… *presses concealed button on her belt and the blade retracts* …guess I put on the wrong shoes this morning… *flashes her lashes at Reeve* 

Reeve: *sweat drop*

Palmer: Hey-hey already! *takes another bite out of Mr Lardy bar, sniffs* I thought I was your one and only, Scarlet!

Scarlet: In your dreams, you fat bald hic. Accuse me of what you will, but I do have _some_ taste. (Another quote.) *smiles at Tseng*

Tseng: Scarlet, can't you find someone else to annoy?

(Sephiroth_4000/Jien: As long as it's not me! *gulps*)

Scarlet: Sure. Umm… where's that cutie with the blonde spikes?

Tifa: YOU $%!#ING- hey, where is he? *looks around room*

_Suddenly the floor rumbles._

Scarlet: *loses her footing in stilettos, falls off platform and lands on Seifer* What the $%!# is that?

Rufus: *flicks hair worriedly* Everyone stay calm… please…

Palmer: *bursts into tears* OH GOD WE'RE ALL GONNA DIEEEEEE… AGAIN…

Reno: Let's get out of here!

_Everyone runs out of Rufus' office to the front of the Shinra building. To their horror they discover people are running screaming through the streets of Costa Del Sol as in the distance, a huge black shape is coming slowly towards them._

Scarlet: How could this happen…

_The black shape is becoming clearer and clearer as it approaches. Soon it is obvious that it is a huge machine. Its surface is oddly glossy, as if it's been very highly polished, and at the controls sits a mysterious figure who appears to be sitting in a stereotypical evil chair with a high, pointed back._

Rinoa: How could what happen?

Scarlet: Someone stole it… Someone's stolen Shiny WEAPON…

All: ……?

Scarlet: That's what Operation Shiny was all about. We were supposed to construct one of these WEAPONs and use it to keep control over the planet so Shinra would be great again… but now it's been stolen…

Mystery Man: MWOOGINHOOGINHOOGINHOOGIN!

Reeve: … Mwooginhooginhoogin? That's even worse than "Kyahahahah". What a pathetic evil laugh.

Selphie: Oh, well. He's got a pretty good evil chair though. Who designed it?

Scarlet: Who designed what?

Selphie: The evil chair.

Scarlet: Shiny WEAPON doesn't come with an evil chair.

_A shaft of light falls across the Mysterious Figure's face, revealing him as… _

**_Cloud Strife!_**

**End of Chapter Seven******


	8. chapter eight: it can’t be true (but it ...

Chapter Eight: It Can't Be True! (But It Is!) (or, Complete Stupidity #1) 

((Note from Xiao: As the name suggests,  this chapter is completely stupid.))

Cloud: _MWOOGINHOOGINHOOGINHOOGIN!_

Aeris: *shocked*…Cloud…what have you done…

_Cloud's  spiky hair gives the appearance that he is sitting in an evil chair. He is dressed in an archetypal villain's black robe (which sets off his hair perfectly, I must add)  and his bright blue eyes are glowing wickedly._

Vincent: Scarlet! How do you defeat this thing?

Scarlet: When I build something, I don't build it so it can be easily defeated. *looks at him* Hey… you're cute…

Vincent: *shudders, sidles away*

Rakin: You were the one who stole the sporks…

Cloud: Glad to see someone finally figured it out… Mwooginhooginhoogin!

Irvine: So that's how you fixed your hair… I should have known you'd need a spork for spikiness like that…

_Tifa runs out to the front of the group, her hair blowing in the wind and her eyes filled with tears (It's National Cliché Day!)._

Tifa: Cloud! Why are you doing this to us? We're your friends! And I thought… I thought I was more than that… *sob*

Cloud: *shrugs* Well, you can join me if you like. We'll take over the world together! Just imagine, Tifa- we'll _own_ the Golden Saucer!

Tifa: *eyes shine strangely* …and then Aeris will go back to selling 1 gil flowers for a living… and we can kill that girl at the entrance who talks about GP… Mwashashashash! *credit for this dodgy evil laugh goes to Hoggy McNoggy*

_Tifa runs up to Shiny WEAPON and climbs aboard._

Scarlet: This is the full power of Shiny WEAPON…

That Guy Nobody Knows: What do you mean?

Scarlet: Cloud is controlling Tifa's mind…

That Guy: He can do that?

Scarlet: But we might still have a chance.

That Guy: What?

Scarlet: He hasn't read the instruction manual yet. It's still on my desk. *looks at That Guy* Say… after we've finished saving the world, wanna take me out for dinner?

That Guy: *runs his hand through his hair* Sure, babe.

Quistis: Hey! @$$hole…

Squall: There's only one guy on the Planet (apart from Palmer) who could flirt with Scarlet. Is your name Allin, by any chance? (_No… MLE… what are you doing with that empty plastic drink bottle?…AARGH!!!_)

Allin: How'd you know?

Everyone: *sweat drop*

Allin: Damn, I was enjoying my mysterious "Guy Nobody Knows" persona. Why'd you have to go and screw it up? *sulks*

_Tifa is now sitting in a chair next to Cloud's, wearing an Edea-like outfit (minus the bird helmet thing.)_

Tifa: MWASHASHASHASHASH!!!

Cloud: MWOOGINHOOGINHOOGINHOOGIN! Now let's see… who here has dissed my hair… Cid, Barret, Reno, Rakin, Yuffie, Fujin, Squall, Irvine… NOW YOU ALL MUST DIE!!!

Rinoa: NOOOOOOO!!! *calls Angelo*

Marlene: *appearing from nowhere, holding toy laser gun* You can't kill Daddy, you big meanie poo!!

Vincent: *draws Death Penalty* No-one kills Cid while I'm around! That's an honour reserved especially for myself!! (Quote)

Seifer: *draws gunblade* You can't kill Fujin! We're a POSSE!

Fujin: *dreamy anime eyes… well, eye anyway* THANK YOU…

Seifer: Things just wouldn't be the same without you, Fujin. *notices everyone's surprised looks* Anyway… you still owe me ten gil. 

Elena: *adjusts Irvine's hat, draws gun* DIE @%#$*^(!$*#%!&*@%$#*!@!

Marlene: *pulls on Barret's sleeve* Daddy… what does @%#$*^(!$*#%!&*@%$#*!@ mean?

Barret: *sweat drop*

Selphie: No-one's standing up for Yuffie, so I will! *looks around for weapon, can't find one so takes up fighting stance*

Rufus: *flicks hair* I need my Turks! Who else is going to get me my morning coffee? *pays no attention to the fact that everyone's names have changed…*

Scarlet: Not even all of you together can defeat Shiny WEAPON. It looks like this is the end… *sob* I'm much too cute to die… *breaks down and cries on Allin's shoulder, soaking his nice Shinra jacket*

Allin: *pats her shoulder consolingly*

_A rocket launcher unfolds from her hairclip and fires over Allin's shoulder, hitting Palmer who dies a horrible death. Again._

Scarlet: Kyahahahah… whoops…

Rufus: *flicks hair* Scarlet, when I made you Head of Weapons, I didn't intend that weapons should come out of your head-

Scarlet: I'm testing a prototype, okay? *stamps her foot*

_Suddenly the sky begins to darken._

Rufus: Scarlet, what did I just say…?

Scarlet: Wasn't me.

Squall: Then who…?

_Slowly but surely, a huge object passes in front of the sun, eclipsing it and casting the land into darkness. Everyone, including Cloud and Tifa,  looks up in amazement as they notice…something… silhouetted against the blazing corona. The mysterious entity descends slowly to earth, but as soon as it touches down, flames shoot up all around it and a distinctive theme song begins to play._

Theme song: Dn-dn-dn-dn-dn-dn-dn-dn…

Sephy choir: **SEPHI-ROTH!**

Sephiroth: *In his One Winged Angel form* **…… **

(Sephiroth_4000 - you happy now? o_O)

Cloud: *bursts into tears* THAT WAS THE MOST DRAMATIC ENTRANCE I'VE EVER SEEN! WHY CAN'T I EVER DO AN ENTRANCE AS GOOD AS THAT? WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! *pummels his fists on the control panel of Shiny WEAPON*

Tifa: Shhh! Don't wail like that. You're a villain now. It's unbecoming.

Sephiroth: **_Strife! I seek revenge!_**

Cloud: Even his font is dramatic…

Scarlet: We might be saved!

Cloud: Ah-ha! That's what you think! You have yet to see the full extent of my power!

Rinoa: Maybe he did read the instruction manual.

Cloud: Perish, all those who dissed my hair! I SUMMON RAIJIN MEGAZORD!!!

_Raijin, who is now about twenty feet tall, encased in armour and carrying a shoulder-mounted laser cannon, strides out from nowhere._

Sephiroth: **_Raijin Megazord?_**

Raijin Megazord: **THAT'S ME YA KNOW?! HEY FUJIN! BET YOU'RE REGRETTING NOT LETTING ME COME WITH YOU YA KNOW?**

Sephiroth: **_Pathetic._***blasts huge bolt of energy at Raijin Megazord*

_Raijin Megazord is completely unhurt._

Sephiroth: **_What the…_**

Cloud: Mwooginhooginhoogin! Raijin Megazord is completely invulnerable to your attacks!

Scarlet: Oh no! We're done for! *starts crying again*

Fujin: RAGE! *Kick* IMBECILE! *Kick* *Kick* UNBELIEVABLE STUPIDITY!

Allin: Hey! *looks protective*

_Raijin Megazord looks briefly uncomfortable._

Squall: ……

Rinoa: What is it, Squall?

Squall: Hey, Sephiroth! Your evil voice is the only one loud enough- can you tell Cloud that I am not intimidated by his antagonistic and malevolent innovations?

Sephiroth: …?

Squall: Just do it!

Sephiroth: **_Fine… STRIFE! SQUALL IS NOT INTIMIDATED BY YOUR ANTAGONISTIC AND MALEVOLENT INNOVATIONS!_**

Cloud: …?

Tifa: Well, he should be intimidated!

Raijin Megazord: *staggers*

Seifer: What the hell are you doing?

Squall: Additionally, I repudiate any proclamation made by Strife that his hair is magnificent. As a matter of fact, I think Cloud's hair is unattractive and ridiculous, not to mention impractical.

Irvine: Squall, is this spike-envy?

Quistis: I hardly think this is the time to trade insults. We've got Raijin Megazord to worry about.

Fujin: UNDERSTAND, NOT? RAIJIN MEGAZORD- BASICALLY RAIJIN, ARMOUR, BIG GUN. RAIJIN, IDIOT. VOCABULARY, SMALL.

Sephiroth: **_STRIFE! SQUALL REPUDIATES ANY PROCLAMATION YOU MAY HAVE MADE THAT YOUR HAIR IS MAGNIFICENT! HE THINKS IT'S UNATTRACTIVE, RIDICULOUS AND IMPRACTICAL! AND I PERSONALLY ACQUIESCE WITH HIS OPINION!_**

Cloud: …AARGH! I DON'T CARE ABOUT MY DIGNITY AS A VILLAIN! HE'S GONE TOO FAR THIS TIME! RAIJIN MEGAZORD- ATTACK!

Raijin Megazord:***ELECTRONIC SOUND INTENDED TO SIMULATE MUFFLE***

Cloud: What are you waiting for? Attack, damn you!

Raijin Megazord: **WARNING… CENTRAL… PROCESSOR… OVERLOAD… TRANSLATION… PROGRAM… ERROR… IMMINENT… SYSTEMS… FAILURE… **

Tifa: Uh oh…

Raijin Megazord: **YA KNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWWW!!!!!!!**

_Raijin Megazord explodes in an impressive fireball. _

Cloud: Dammit… I knew I shouldn't have ordered those spare parts from Taiwan… 

End of Chapter Eight 


	9. chapter nine: the real villain revealed

Chapter Nine: The Real Villain Revealed! (or, Complete Stupidity #2) 

Vincent: ……!

Cid: Well, that was #$!@ing stupid.__

Rinoa: *defensively* It worked, though!

Cloud: Damn… Well… You still insulted my hair! DIE, LEONHART!

Squall: %$!#…

_The Shiny Weapon swings around to face Squall, who holds his gunblade ready. Everyone else gets ready to fight too, including Sephiroth._

Cloud: Mwooginhooginhooginhooginhoogin!

Barret: We need another plan…

Sephiroth: **_How about this? DIE STRIFE! MWAHAHAHAHA!_** *launches another, even bigger bolt of energy at Shiny WEAPON*****

_Shiny WEAPON gets battered around a bit but is still okay._

Scarlet: Hey! Don't scratch the paintwork! 

Cloud: Now it's my turn! Mwooginhoogin… ummm… Tifa, how do you fire this thing?

Tifa: *sighs, presses button*

_A big laser bolt shoots out of a cannon on the front._

Fujin: DUCK!

Mr Romeo, making a cameo: Quack!

Reno: No, not you…

Mr Romeo: Fine then… *sulks*

_Everyone ducks. The laser bolt misses everyone and flies into a nearby mountain, which explodes. Rocks fly through the air all around. A particularly large one lands on Allin._

Zand: *appears from nowhere* THERE IS A GOD! *dematerialises*

Scarlet: NOOOO! *gets her limit break* Stiletto Rain! *takes off her shoes and attacks Shiny WEAPON*

Elena: Hey- look…

_At the centre of the smoking crater left by the explosion, a light is visible._

Barret: What da $%!# is dat?

Selphie: Let's go see!

Cloud: I don't think so! *fires cannon again*

_Since he's used to his sword he is a lousy shot. The bolt misses the group completely and blasts the entire front of the mountain away. The mouth of a huge evil-looking cavern is revealed. The mysterious light appears to be originating from inside._

Selphie: Okay, let's not go see.

Vincent: A cave… my sweet Lucrecia… 

Aeris: Vincent, this isn't Lucrecia's cave. *a rock flies past her head* But it might be a good place to hide.

Irvine: Elena… Elena!

*_Aeris and Vincent turn around to see Irvine supporting an unconscious Elena, who has a large gash across her forehead caused by a flying rock._*

Irvine: Elena… wake up…

Rinoa: $%!#! I'm out of Potions!

Cid: Didn't she have Regen on?

Nix: I LOVE REGEN!

All: ???

_The cannon turns around again._

Tseng: Let's go!

Irvine: I'm not leaving her here!

Quistis: That's very chivalrous of you, but need I point out that WE'RE ALL GOING TO ^&!$ING DIE IF WE STAY OUT HERE ANY LONGER?!

Fujin: TYPEFACE, MY TRADEMARK… PLAGIARISM… *CAPITALISED SNIFF*

_Everyone runs towards the cave at once, seconds before another huge beam fires past them. Inside the cave, there is a long dark passageway ending in, strangely enough, a large evil-looking wooden door with a picture of a skull burnt into it. The light comes from the eerily flickering torches on the walls, casting menacing looking shadows on the passage walls._

Scarlet: Who lives there?

Cid: Why do I get the feeling it's not going to be the $%!#ing Tooth Fairy?

Rinoa: Hang on a second… I have one Phoenix Down left!

Yuffie: *hic* If you need anymore… anymore shtuff, jus' put the item you wanna duplicate in the ninth place on your list an' SURF up n' down the right hand side of Cinnabar Island…

_Everyone ignores her Pokémon references… shudder…_

Scarlet: Phoenix Down? You could use it on Squall…

Rinoa: SQUALL'S DEAD? *shocked*  OHMYGOD…

Scarlet: Heh… *slaps Rinoa across the face, takes Phoenix Down and runs outside*

Cid: How could you fall for that one? The author wouldn't kill Squall! *under his breath* Don't know why, he's a %^@&!*%$#…

Xiao: Exactly. I wouldn't kill Squall. You, however, are a different matter.

Cid: Ummm… *goes pale*

Xiao: *gets insane gleam in her eyes* Behave yourself and I might let you live.

Cid: Anything you say!

Xiao: *Makes a mental note* Cid will do anything I say. Heh. Heh.

Scarlet: *enters cavern* I saved Allin! Aren't I great?

Allin *freshly revived by Scarlet*: Thanks, babe. *puts an arm around her waist* I owe you one.

Zand: *materialises again, throws herself on her sword with a scream of "DAMN YOU THIEF-BOY!!!" Nobody notices.*

Rakin: Enough stalling. Let's check this out. *walks up to door* Anybody home? *destroys door with Vengeance* We're offering a free trip to the forty-seven consecutive rings of Tarabian Hell for anyone who doesn't help us…

Note from Xiao: Hakkarl te ma tao ri seseya chii da secra Tarabi!

Voice: Sounds like fun! 

Rakin: …Ma?

_A brief interruption as the roof of the cavern is blasted off. Rinoa has finally got her act together and puts up a magic barrier so that no-one else is flattened. Shiny WEAPON strides up behind them._

Voice and Cloud: MWOOGINHOOGINHOOGINHOOGIN!

Aeris: Eh?

Voice and Cloud: Oh, and I'd like to take your free trip, too. Do I need a current passport or anything?

Sephiroth: **_Who are you, anyway? And why does Cloud speak at the same time as you?_**

Voice and Cloud: Behold… for I am… *Bananas in Pyjamas theme starts playing* Oops… er… *scuffling noises. "Excalibur" begins to play* …Much better! I am…

_Evil chair on raised platform is illuminated by a single spotlight, surrounded by boxes and boxes of sporks. It turns slowly…_

**Voice and Cloud: CAIT SITH!**

…

Cid: …This is even more %^!*ing stupid than the last %^!*ing stupid thing. 

Reno: Cait Sith? No way!

Cait Sith and Cloud: Way! *snickers*

Tseng: Is Reeve controlling you?

Cait Sith and Cloud: Nah! Hojo gave me independent life of my own using JENOVA cells. I'm now a gazillion time more powerful than I was before, as well as a gazillion times more annoying! 

Cid: Impossible…

Rakin: Why the hell would he do that?

Cait Sith and Cloud: It was something to do. Oh, and I'm controlling Cloud, by the way.

All: What?

Cait Sith and Cloud: I'm getting my revenge! Everyone pays attention to him, but I was the REAL star of FF7! Oh yeah, and Sephy?

Sephiroth: **_What is it, you overstuffed fuzzball?_**

Cait Sith and Cloud: I can control you too! MWOOGINHOOGINHOOGIN!

Sephiroth: **_Eep…_**

Tseng: I should have known that only Cait Sith could have come up with a laugh like "Mwooginhooginhoogin."

Cait Sith and Cloud: Sephiroth, do you know what I'm going to do to you first?

Sephiroth: **_No… do I want to?_**

Cait Sith and Cloud: I'M TAKING YOUR EVIL FONT!

Sephiroth: What the… AAAAAAARGH! *breaks down and cries*

Cait Sith: I have no further use for you either, Spiky-Boy. 

_Tifa and Cloud are fired from cabin of Shiny WEAPON in ejector seats and hit the ground with a thud._

Cloud: *slumps forward, eyes unfocused*

Tifa: *back to normal* Huh? What am I doing here? And… what am I _wearing!?_

Cait Sith: I can't be bothered getting rid of you myself. I think I'll just destroy you.

Barret: Oh yeah? You an' what army, foo'?

Cait Sith: My army… of Jenovas!

Barret: Oh.

_A metal door slides open and all the Jenovas come out, hissing and waving their various tentacles in the air._

Sephiroth: Steal my font, will you? Give me your best shot!

Selphie: How are we going to beat all those… *sob*

Yuffie: *comfortingly* Whenever I'm feeling down, I always sing a song.

Barret: Good idea!

_Everyone draws their weapons and starts kicking Jenova-@$$, while  Selphie, Yuffie and Barret begin singing…_

**THE FAMOUS DODGY JENOVA SONG!**

Xiao: This song is sung to the tune of, One Potato Two Potato. Everybody join in!

**Yuffie***in time to swings of her shiruken*: One-Jenova, two-Jenova, three-Jenova, four,

**Selphie**: Sephy dematerialises, leaving me some more,

**Barret**: Five-Jenova, six-Jenova, seven-Jenova, eight,

**Yuffie**: Gotta fight all those Jenovas, before it's too late!

_Yuffie, Selphie and Barret begin bobbing up and down (á la the Oompa-Loompa dance)_

**All: **BOM! BOM! BOM! BOM!

**Barret**: Nine-Jenova, ten-Jenova, then some more of those,

**Yuffie**: Throw its head at Scarlet, so it bites her on the nose! *see ShinRa Company Tour*

**Selphie**: Jenova-Life, Jenova-Death, Jenova-Side-Of-Fries…

**Barret**: Jenova's-Damn-Annoying…

**All**: And JENOVA-NEVER-DIES!

_By this time, all the Jenovas are dead. Everyone does their little victory dance and, this time, collects EXP and items._

Fujin: IRVINE- POTION, ACQUIRED.

Irvine: …Thanks, Fujin! *gives Potion to Elena*

Elena:……? *opens her eyes*

Irvine: Elena… you're okay… *The two of them share a special moment at the back of the cave while everyone else concentrates on Cait Sith.*

Cait Sith: Dammit! My evil plan failed!

Quistis: Can I just ask- the good guys always win, so why did you decide to be evil?

Cait Sith: Well, I figured that if I become evil enough, I can be a Sith Lord!

Quistis: *sweat drop* Right…

Cait Sith: But what am I talking to you for? Shiny WEAPON! Finish them off! *takes out little remote control and begins pressing buttons*

All: GACK!****

**End of Chapter Nine******


	10. chapter ten: squall rights wrongs and tr...

Chapter Ten: Squall Rights Wrongs And Triumphs Over Evil! (Oh Yeah, Some Other People Help Too, But None Of Them Are As Cute As Squall, And Consequently Aren't Worth A Mention) 

_Shiny WEAPON rumbles and bleeps. Boss music (a weird mix of FF7 and FF8) starts up._

Marlene: *tugs on Barret's sleeve again* Daddy…are we all gonna die?

Cait Sith: And now, Sephy, you will be the first to fall! Walk up to the WEAPON!

Sephiroth: Make me!

Cait Sith: If you insist…  I COMMAND YOU TO WALK UP TO THE WEAPON!

Sephiroth: No… I must… break... control… *begins walking slowly towards the cannon of Shiny WEAPON*

Cait Sith: It's hopeless! I'm stronger than you! Neh-ni-neh-ni-neh-neh!

Sephiroth: …Noooo!

Cloud: He tried to kill me! I'm with Cait Sith on this one!

Rakin: _Ejo'…_ like it or not, Cloud, we need Sephiroth! He's got to fight Cait Sith!

Cloud: ……

Rakin: Come on, Cloud!

Cloud: …Sephiroth! You can do this! You're the most powerful warrior in the universe! (Paraphrased quote. Replace "warrior" with "vegetable" and you get another quote… J)

Sephiroth: I must kill him… for stealing my typeset… *takes a step backwards*

Cait Sith: Huh? No! You can't do that!

Sephiroth: …This game's only big enough for one **_villain…_***takes another step back*

Yuffie: Woohoo! He's getting his font back!

Sephiroth: **_DIE FUZZBALL!_**

Sephiroth Choir: SEPHI-ROTH! 

Sephiroth: **_All right, Strife. We put aside our differences… the fact I tried to kill you and stabbed your girlfriend and screwed up your memory and put you under mental control and used your hair gel to style my graceful bangs… that's all in the past now, right?_**

Cloud: …Yeah. Except maybe the hair gel thing. *grins*

Cait Sith: *sneers* How touching. *fires WEAPON*

All except Aeris: %^!#!

Aeris: Oh dear!

_The party loses a lot of HP. _

Rinoa: This is bad… Shiny WEAPON's too powerful… we'll all be wiped out and sent back to the last Save point if we don't think of a plan… Squall? *looks at him pleadingly- again. Doesn't this girl have a life?*

Squall: ……

Fujin: ACCURATE ASSESSMENT OF SITUATION, RINOA. CHANCES OF SURVIVAL, REMOTE.

Squall: …You know what, Fujin? You're absolutely right.

Rinoa: What? Squall…

Squall: *catches Vincent's eye*

Vincent: *nods slightly, turns to Cloud and Sephiroth*

Cloud and Sephiroth: *smile faintly*

Selphie: *confused* Huh?

_All at once, Squall, Vincent, Sephiroth and Cloud jump into the air, do one of those cool flip things (copyright Vincent) and come down on Cait Sith!_

Squall: LIONHEART!

Sephiroth: **_PALE HORSE!_**

Cloud: BIG-ASS OMNISLASH!

Vincent: …… *pumps Cait Sith full of lead from Death Penalty*

Cait Sith: AAARGH! *Moogle's hands flail madly*

_*Squall grabs remote control for Shiny WEAPON out of the Moogle's outstretched paw.*_

Cait Sith: Gimme that you big… *looks up at loose rocks*…big-sword-bearing-person…

Squall: Get back, everyone! *gives remote control to Vincent, since he is the best shot*

Cait Sith: NO! Um… hey! I'm not evil anymore! It's a miracle!…I'm…saved…PLEASE DON'T SHOOT ME!!!

Vincent: …… _Shiny WEAPON aims at Cait Sith_

Cait Sith: You can't shoot a poor defenceless fluffball like me! It'll only prove your reputation as an emotionless psychopath!

Vincent: *blinks* Pardon?

Xiao: KILL THE MOOGLE! KILL THE MOOGLE! MY SWORD WANTS BLOOD!

Squall: Vincent, watch out!

_Vincent turns around, just in time to dodge a thrust from Cloud's Big-Ass Sword!_

Tifa: Leave Cloud alone!

Cait Sith: No! MWAHAHAHAHA!

Vincent: *tosses remote control to Squall* Shoot it! *ducks another swing from Cloud's sword*

Squall: …… *cannon extends*

Cait Sith: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

_Squall fires at Cait Sith. There is a satisfactory explosion, followed by a rain of…_

Seifer: …stuffing? All right then…

Cloud: Uhh… I hate being controlled.

Tifa: Oh, Cloud… *hugs him*

Aeris: *sniff*

Sephiroth Choir: SEPHIROTH DEFEATED CAIT SITH!

Sephiroth: **_I did?_**

_Suddenly a portal at the end of the room activates, shooting the Trepies out into the cave._

Quistis: Uh-oh…

Trepies: IT'S INSTRUCTOR TREPE!

Quistis: What are you guys doing here?

Trepies: *spot Sephiroth choir, still singing in homage to Sephy, who looks annoyed* Hey! We could be the Trepe choir! *hopelessly off key* QUISTIS-TREPE!

Sephy Choir *still singing the Sephy tune*:HA-HA-HA!(dn-dn-dn) YOU-GUYS-SUCK!

Trepies: HOW DARE YOU INSULT THE ALMIGHTY INSTRUCTOR TREPE!!!!!!

_The Trepies attack the Sephiroth choir, who fight back with a vengeance._

Xiao: Thanks to Sephiroth_4000 for the Trepies vs. Sephies idea!

Quistis: This is very flattering, but you guys can stop now…

Nameless Trepie #2: *holding a Sephie by the throat* HOORAY! SHE'S FLATTERED! *skilfully ignores last part of sentence and keeps fighting*

Quistis: Oh well. 

Rufus: …Hang on a second! You aren't Turks!

Sephiroth**_: How slow is this guy, anyway?_**

Reno: You'd be surprised. *turns to Vincent* Now. I seem to recall… _someone _offering to pay us double what Shinra gave us?

Vincent: ……

Rakin: But that was just for finding the sporks. The whole beat-up-Shiny-WEAPON thing was extra.

Vincent: Since when did _you_ beat up Shiny WEAPON?

Rakin: Not to mention the fact that we covered for you.

Rude: Not to mention the reward for finding the sporks.

Tseng: Not to mention danger money.

Vincent: *raises an eyebrow* Danger money? For _Turks?_

Reno: We're waiting…

_Squall walks over to Seifer and Fujin._

Seifer: *snickers* Looks like Vincent's in a bit of trouble.

Fujin: NEGATIVE. CLOUD'S CREDIT CARD. *shrugs* SQUALL…

Squall: What is it?

Fujin: *puffs herself up* "REMOTE" IDEA, MINE. CREDIT, DUE…?

Seifer: Put a sock in it, Cyclops.

Fujin: RAGE!! *kicks Seifer across the cavern. He lands in the middle of the Sephies/Trepies fight*

Squall: Fine. It was your idea. I'll see you get a commendation.

Fujin: THANKYOU. *beams proudly* RETURNING HOME, SQUALL?

Squall: I think so… 

_Seifer has extricated himself from the fight and is now taking bets from Cloud, Aeris and the Turks on the outcome, with Cid and Barret giving a blow-by-blow account. Quistis and Sephiroth are comparing fan club horror stories. Irvine and Elena still haven't come back. Vincent and Rakin are cleaning their guns, which got dirty during the fight, and are saying nothing in typical fashion. Rinoa and Tifa are sympathising with each other over the stress of having screwed-up main-character hero type boyfriends. Rufus is standing by himself with a bewildered expression on his face, muttering, "I still don't think they're Turks…". Allin and Scarlet are sitting in Shiny WEAPON, pretending to blow things up.  Yuffie is arm-wrestling Selphie and winning._

Squall: *smiles* …but maybe not quite yet.

**~end~**

**P.S: Dodgy Ending Bit #1**

Xiao: No Final Fantasy characters were harmed in the making of this fanfic.

Selphie: My shin …the pain… the PAIN… OH GOD LET ME DIE!!!!

*brief "Schinnng" noise strangely like an Eternal Midnight Sword being drawn*

Selphie: Aargh!!!… goodbye, cruel world… 

Xiao: Heh…

#This fanfic is currently experiencing technical difficulties#

**P.P.S: Dodgy Ending Bit #2**

Xiao: All characters (except me, Nix, Jien, Allin, Zand and Rakin) and places are trademarks of Squaresoft.

Squall: I think they knew that!!

Xiao: Squall? What are you doing outside the fanfic? This is just a **Dodgy Ending Bit**!

Squall: I know… but I couldn't leave without telling you this…

*dreamy music comes on in the background*

Squall:…I love you, Xiao. I always have, and always will. Come back to FF8 world with me. My life will never be truly complete without you.

Xiao: *shimmery anime eyes* …Really?

(Music cuts out)

Squall: NAH! Heh, heh, heh…

Xiao: WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!!!


End file.
